Cut yourself some slack against a deck so stacked

YeeeeeeEEEEEEEEssssssss

Lately, every time my brains turns itself on, I am in an immediate and unending state of :headdesk:. Sadly, that is the only way I really know how to describe it. Thanks, Internet, for making actual expression of emotion unattainable. I also constantly feel like ":/"

Oy.

I wish I could remember the last time that I went to bed and fell asleep without being interrupted by the thoughts of how fucking crazy I'm becoming. Or have become. Or whatever.

I can't spend the rest of my life feeling like the way I feel is invalid. I can't spend the rest of my life measuring my problems up against other peoples' problems. If the way I feel doesn't matter to anyone else, it matters to me. I need to learn to accept that even though my shit isn't as serious as someone else's, it's still the way I feel and it's still important. I just hope other people can realize it. I can't keep holding things in for fear that my problems aren't as "deep" as they could be. Everyone deals with their own shit in different ways, and I'm tired of not dealing with mine.

This weekend consisted of hangs, Target, half-priced apps, Cici's Pizza, chocolate fondue (with bacon!), and a serious phone conversation. It also consisted of a lot of crying, nausea, vomiting, and stepping far beyond my comfort zone. I have yet to deduce (hehe) whether the results are/will be worth it. I guess I have a few days to find out. At the moment, I'm feeling at peace.

However, given the way I am presently feeling, I chose the absolute most devastating soundtrack to accompany it. But damn, I cannot wait until April.

I haven't been writing or doing anything productive, really. I should probably get back into the habit since I have a looming fear that, now that college is over, I will slowly lose my ability to write. Becca and I have joked about how her inability to form words, but I really do fear that if I don't write for school that I will lose the only skill I've ever admitted I have. I kind of want to go back and read some of my old papers to remind myself of my style and critical/analytical skills.

A couple of days ago, my dad suggested going back to school. While I do miss being productive, having an excuse to not work, and performing mindful tasks...I do not miss college (yet). I miss the feeling that my life is still ahead of me, but I don't miss the people, the deadlines, the bureaucracy, waking up early, etc. My dad seems to think that I don't want to get a job. Admittedly, I am putting it off for a little while because I honestly don't know what I want to do. I think that I think I need to start my career straight out of college, but that is simply not the case. I could work in retail while I gain steadier footing and get a better idea of what I want to do. That's normal, right?

My biggest fear is getting too comfortable in my little bubble of uselessness. I fear not wanting to leave my parents' house. I fear staying in a dead-end job because I'll get used to it and it's easier than putting the effort in to find a "real" one. I fear never pursuing this boy because I've never done it before, so why should I put myself through the potential disappointment?

It's been a couple of months and I have been doing things here and there, but I am just starting to feel useless. Like, I wake up around noon every day and alternate between the Internet and Food Network. Food Network can switch to Top Chef of Real Housewives when either of them are on. Sometimes there's a show, sometimes I go out with my friends. Otherwise, I just let myself sit here and fester away online (as I am doing at this very moment). I vacuumed the other day in order to make myself not feel entirely worthless. I know I have shit I need to get done, but I'm too goddamn lazy to just man up and do it.

My priorities are just really out-of-whack right now, and I'm not entirely sure where to start making changes. I look at job postings every day, but nothing seems to tickle my fancy (or requires more experience that I have). The idea of commuting to the city for a job is so daunting to me, even though I did it almost every day in the summer of 2007. It's really not that bad, but lately, I've really come to value my free time (even though I don't actually do anything with it). The idea of waking up at 6:30 and getting home at 6:30 is really unappealing. Four hours doesn't sound like a lot of personal time to me. But that's the way the world works, and one day, I'm going to have to accept that I'll need to sacrifice my social life and mental stability for responsibility, money, and independence.

Other than my looming feelings of worthlessness, things have been well. Chicago was awesome even though we barely did anything. We did try deep dish pizza (New York is still better) and ate breakfast at the infamous Lou Mitchell's. Also consumed lots of Jimmy John's sandwiches. Saw Bonz & co. at Mercury Lounge and was told that Becca and I looked "profesh." Few New England Brand New shows coming up that I am not looking as forward to as I should.

I type this lyric pretty frequently to remind myself. I haven't actually followed through with it yet, but it doesn't hurt to have the reminder: "I need to wake up 'cause this ain't a fucking game."

I wrote this on May 10, 2004. That was almost five years ago. Freaks me out that 2004 seems like yesterday, but was five years ago. That's irrelevant.

"i just love saves the day more than i've ever loved any band on the planet. and, quite possibly, more than i ever will love any other band ever. they're just one of those bands that i can't understand how anyone could listen and not fall in love with at least their lyrics."

I am in constant limbo about whether giving my life to a band for almost a decade is pathetic. I don't know if they've held me back from "growing up" or if they've been the driving force in my development. At this very moment, I think loving a band this much is a beautiful (and rare) thing. It baffles me that October will be nine years since my first Saves the Day show. And that I am boarding a plane tomorrow to see the same band on Saturday.

While reading through my old journal, I also found entries about Kevin from 2004. 2004. And I wonder (okay, not really) why I have such a hard time letting go and why I get so weirded out about how a lot of people view him. Among other reasons.

Whatever. I am getting sick and I need to get better before I board a plane to Chicago tomorrow.

To use the phrase Becca and I coined on one fateful May evening/morning,
"I'M TWELVE!"

Please, do not let me get ahead of myself for once.

In other news, Barack Obama is going to be my president in like eight hours.
Not gonna lie, I am pretty stoked about it.
Bex, Lauren, and I are having a party which will include pompoms and pigs in blankets.
And cupcakes, obviously. What's a party without cupcakes?

I had an amazing time in Vegas, which included:
- being perpetually and disgustingly full for four days.
- finally experiencing the Wynn buffet and Paris again.
- staying in the unbelievably beautiful Venetian.
- getting my first massage (and, since, constantly craving another).
- seeing Penn and Teller.
- seeing The Price Is Right!
- the host of The Price Is Right being David Ruprecht, the host of SUPERMARKET SWEEP!
- having the most fun ever at The Price Is Right and meeting him!
- a remarkable dining experience at Craftsteak.
- winning $600 from slot machines (which I never play)!
- leaving too soon.
- having an overall awesome time with some great friends.

This weekend was great, too. On Saturday, I went to a show in Bellmawr with Lauren, Bex, and Mike. We went to see Lauren's dudes in Your Sweet Uncertainty. I had a great time and the band was great. The dudes I met were extremely sweet. Wouldn't mind seeing them again. And Lauren, we need to set our bowling date soon!

On Sunday, my family (+ Lauren) went down to Atlantic City to go to the Harrah's buffet for my aunt's birthday. I had a pleasant (and sometimes insulting) dinner. After, Lauren and I split from everyone else and gambled. I don't know what this string of good luck is, but I won $1,000 by hitting a royal flush in video poker. It was pretty awesome, I must say. I'm still a bit shocked, really.

I did absolutely nothing today and it was everything I imagined it to be. I still have things to do, books to finish, rooms to clean. Things are well, though.

Upcoming:
- Restaurant Week lunch at Mesa Grill with Lauren!
- Fridayyyyyyy! <3333
- Chris Conley solo shows!
- Chicago!

Wow, I am pretty much living it up right now.

I've spent a large chunk of my life feeling guilty and, as a result, trying to please everyone. When will I be ready to put myself first and not worry about the consequences?

There's a fine line between being helpful and being a pushover. There's a fine line between feeling generous and feeling used.

I will never be able to fully see the good in people.

Wah wah wah and around we go.

It is now (officially) the eve of the new year. I can't wait to spend the day/evening with Lauren.

It felt good to read an entire book today. Granted it was a quick read (Love Is a Mix Tape), but it was nice to have time to read again. I shed some serious tears throughout the second half of the book. It has me thinking a lot about music, people, love, and relationships among all of those things. How I will never, no matter how detached the two things are, be able to separate certain bands from certain people who broke my heart (or whose hearts I potentially broke). My top three favorite bands have so much emotional baggage not only because I am moved by their lyrics, but because their presence in my life was dictated by people I've loved and, essentially, lost. I never think about those people when I listen to or see my bands, really, but...they're always looming and therefore will always have a presence in my life as long as these bands do.

I jotted down a bunch of musical things I need to get down. All of them are connected in some Rob Sheffield way. About how love really is a mix tape and the soundtrack to my life and the impossibility of leaving the past behind while still loving the music that guided you through it. So much in my head. So much in my heart. I remember so many people, places, and faces from an almost decade-long journey (yikes) of being an active music fan. I remember musical moments I have shared with friends and strangers, and I long for musical connectivity almost constantly. I miss being in a relationship (well, friendship) where sharing music was all that mattered. Where nothing was more important than Skate and Surf lineups, absolutepunk.net, finding shows, most anticipateds, and top 10 lists. And yes, sometimes, even mix CD's. 2000-2004 was a magical time to be submerged in this scene. I still haven't grown past it. It's why I can't listen to All Time Low and Cobra Starship and The Maine and Forever the Sickest Kids.

I will never find another Saves the Day. Not that I would ever expect to or want to. But bands today aren't capable of touching me that way anymore. I don't know if it's my fault, the music's, or both. I think what scares me is the generation to which I am passing the torch, so to speak - will its members find their Saves the Day? Will they have their Tell All Your Friends or Your Favorite Weapon? Will their bands break their hearts like The Movielife broke mine, or Midtown broke Lauren's? Will they care for the right reasons? That's the problem - I shouldn't care. It's not my scene anymore. I have my place, my comfort zone. It just kills me to watch what has happened to it. Does anyone else feel this way?

I want that connection with people back.
I want to talk to someone about how "Deciding" is the perfect opening track, and why Can't Slow Down and Through Being Cool are my favorite albums for different reasons. Or how Chris Conley's voice and range in those albums are far superior to any others, but how his songwriting has excelled in other ways on the newer records. And why Stay What You Are keeps falling down in its rankings.
About how I know, but can't understand why "Here is your storm again" is the apex of Brand New's live perfection. Or how every band, not just Brand New, should open with "Tautou". And how Brand New is not only Jesse, but a sum of their parts. Yes, even Garrett. Where's Catherine?
Or about the way I felt the first time I heard "King of Carrot Flowers Pt. One" and how shook I become if that album isn't played in chronological order. And how the book about the record made me appreciate on previously untouched levels and put to words why I thought it was so special. About how the intentionally imperfect production quality and Jeff Mangum's wail and the buzz and feedback makes it so much more beautiful.

There's a lot more I think about in my music-centric brain...wedding songs, funeral songs, new boyfriend songs, old boyfriend songs, happy songs, sad songs, summer romance songs, rainy day summer romance songs, nighttime summer romance songs, reputable cover songs that aren't meant to mock the original. Am I weird?

Luckily, I have Becca to listen to some crazy music rants (and participate). About Kevin, and Pablo, and AA Bondy, among others. She gets me. And most of my friends get me, but I don't like talking about it a lot because I know I can only talk about music so much before they get sick of me or think I am nuts. I swear, there's a lot more to me than traveling to see my favorite bands another 45 times. But it really is what matters most to me. Not because I need some sort of validation, but because it's the only thing that's ever felt entirely right. Which is why it sucks when people question it. That's a whole 'nother story.

A large part of this has to do with the fact that I was listening to Pablo before and thinking about how Bex and I don't know if anyone realizes how important that band was to us. Ive always had a hard time coming to terms with change, especially when it comes to bands. Brian and Mike existed before joining Kevin's band, and what an amazing band it was. Pablo was seriously like an era...in the way (but not to the extent) that Tell All Your Friends was. It was an era of Kevin, an era of my friendships, and like...it almost seems like everything changed after Summer 2007 in Ryan's basement. I have watched these people join projects, gain notoriety, and things get different. I never decide on good-different or bad-different, but no matter what, it's weird. Pablo was an era; Maxwell's was the venue. It'll never be that way again. And that is why I will get emotional seeing Brian sit behind a drumset. I don't expect people to know about Pablo, but like...God, why am I so fucking crazy about music?

I bought Becca Pedro the Lion's Control on green for Christmas. It hasn't come yet. I was really into this album when I was commuting to and from Stunt Company last year. I've been listening to it a lot and it's just...so good. As is David Bazan's solo stuff that I have been listening to accordingly.

Sorry I am so fucking weird, I will probably make this private.

It's been a lovely morning and afternoon. Woke up to help make a delicious Christmas breakfast. Ate the delicious breakfast and then opened gifts. I got some really amazing stuff. I didn't ask for much this year because I know the economy is rough and I also have pretty much everything I need. I did, though, FINALLY get my record player. It's portable so I have been taking it from room to room. The first thing I played, obviously, was Sefler's 13 Hours of Everything. I listened to In the Aeroplane Over the Sea while making dinner and it was really one of the most beautiful experiences of my life. The sun was peeking through the blinds and it just felt right.

I also got the headphones I'd been eying for a while...I love them. I've only used them on my computer since my iPod is missing, but they get way louder than my old ones. Not to mention they're really, really cool looking.

Got some video games, slippers, Starbucks card, etc. My family really like their gifts, too. My brother's main gifts and my mom's are still in the mail, but everything else went over well. There's some other stuff coming in the mail that I am excited for too. I hope my Through Being Cool and Can't Slow Down records are among them...

Merry Christmas, everyone!

It's been almost a month since I saw that performance, and it still feels the exact way that it did that night. Tear-filled, choked up, goosebumped happiness, sadness, pride, appreciation.

There are a million things I need to say.

Working under the assumption that I passed today's exam, I am officially done with college. After my exam, I went out with Ryan (and, later, Becca) and did some Christmas shopping. Now, though, I am alone with my thoughts which always leads to listening to miserable music, overthinking, overanalyzing, loneliness, inadequacy, confusion, and the lot.

I hope 2009 offers some sort of prospects of...anything. It's a problem that I am on the verge of officially graduating college and yet I still feel stagnant.

I have torn everyone who reached out for me.

Wow, I haven't written in almost a month. I've been keeping up with everyone else. I've been feeling a lot of things, but I'm not entirely ready to face them. Or write them down. Or admit them. Whatever.

My head was a mess for a bit as school was winding down. I am feeling much better now thanks to my cooperating hormones (mostly), the company of good people, the presence of good food, and the prospect of adventure. However, I am not even close to embracing the most exciting/daunting adventure of all.

Yes. Tomorrow, I will take my final exam of my academic career (unless I somehow get conned into grad school later in life). After that, I have no idea. Let me finish my Christmas shopping and maybe we can talk about it. But probably not.

Don't ask me about forever because right now I'm feeling lost.

I never, ever though I'd be able to say that I own this. Like, literally never. But Ryan Krueger is seriously the sweetest, most generous, loving person in the world. Through some miracle, he found a copy of this for me and I am still in disbelief every time I touch it.



Not only did I think it was impossible to own, but the history behind this particular copy is so unbelievably special. I don't know how I will ever be able to repay Ryan for giving this to me. But I am so touched and giddy and eeeee!

The Saves the Day shirt I am wearing is honestly a coincidence.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY <3

Boo: Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow are on vacation
A+: Arianna Huffington filling in for Rachel. That's my girl, too.

And,

Then:



10/14/2000, Club Bene (RIP), South Amboy, NJ

Now:



10/25/2008, Hangar 84, Vineland, NJ

Eight years and almost 60 shows later. Is this perfect or pathetic?

They sound absolutely perfect. I cannot wait to see this band again.

<3333333

This was the very moment that I lost my best friend, Becca, under the knife of Kevin Devine. I still cannot believe this happened.

I need to finish up this paper right quick, but I had such a ridiculously good week. First Obama, then the Decemberists, and then epic hangs and a reunion with my ladies. Life ain't so bad.

<33333333333333333

Tomorrow